clearly to see

My eyes was blur.
I used to love him more than her,
I used to see him as the true hero, and she's just the villain in my life,
I used to think about how disappointed I am that he's marrying a person like her.
Today, she comes to me and ask me to eat my medicine
I can't even hold my tears, then she holds me.
I long to feel it, she used to wake me up and walk me to the bathroom with my arms around her belly.
I've lost her attention once, but I got it back now.
The more we hate each other the more I get to know her better
even feels like friends.
When she's far away, her voice is the only thing I desperate to hear.
Now my hero is too disappointing, then my villain is changing into a good person.
I guess I love her and him, equally.

Cermin besar untuk seorang pejantan waria.

Tulisan ini aku tulis, karena ayah dan ibu memintaku untuk diam dan akupun berjanji pada diriku dan untuk mereka agar menghentikan semua ucapanku. Diam, ya kata diam. Jika saja kau tidak sok sok perduli dengan yang aku lakukan tadi dan mengeluarkan kalimat bijakmu yang seakan-akan perhatian akan kesusahanku nantinya, mungkin telingamu takkan mendengar kalimat-kalimat tajam dari mulutku. Kalimat pura-pura bijakmu di depan ayah, membuat semuanya jadi nyata bahwa kau lah yang selalu mencari masalah denganku. Untuk apa kau memberitahuku nanti akan repot jadinya jika aku mengganti laptop? Biasanya pun kau tak perduli. Dan dengan alasan nantinya akan kau pakai laptop itu lagi pun sungguh tak masuk diakal, toh nantinya juga aku yang harus menelfon perusahaan jaringan internet itu. Bukan kesusahanmu dan bukan urusanmu. Dengan dalih ”berbicara baik-baik” pun hanya menjadi satu-satunya pembelaanmu. Sedangkan saat masalah diselesaikan, hanya kau yang tak bisa mengontrol emosimu. Ini adalah saran pertama kaliku untuk segeralah bercermin.

Disaat perang mulut terjadi, jalan akhir yang bisa kau tempuh hanya lah bermain fisik. Dengan dalih membela ibuku kau daratkan tanganmu di mataku bukan di pipiku, ohh sungguh perhatiannya dirimu dan betapa jantannya hal itu kau lakukan, hanya saja teramat sayang kejantananmu tak kau buktikan dengan pejantan lain dan hal itu lah yang membuatmu layaknya sebagai seorang waria. Ibuku pun berjalan memelukku, betapa sakitnya rasa itu sampai pelukannya pun tak menghilangkan rasa apa-apa. Disaat aku berkata ”tamparan itu di pipi, bukan dimata.” aku tau kau hanya ingin menyakitiku sepenuhnya bukan ingin membela ibuku. Alasan kebaikan kau gunakan sebagai kamuflase kewariaanmu. Buktinya disaat aku menanyakanmu untuk aku tampar balik didepan ayah dan ibu, kau pun mengiyakan hanya untuk menutupi kewariaanmu. Dan saat aku daratkan tanganku di pipimu, kepalamu MENGELAK! betapa wariannya kejantananmu hei makhluk tak berotak. Mengapa kepalamu mengelak? Kamu takut menerima pukulan dari seorang wanita? Sungguh memalukan, potong saja kemaluanmu. Ini adalah saran kedua kali dariku untuk bercermin.

Disaat aku menghampirimu yang sedang menceritakan kronologis kejadiannya kepada ayah, kamu memaksaku untuk duduk. Ingat-ingat ini, KAU MEMAKSAKU UNTUK DUDUK dan aku berkata tidak usah mengatur posisiku. Kau pun menaikkan suaramu agar aku duduk, agar pembicaraan dapat berlanjut pun aku menuruti maumu. Lalu saat kamu mengiyakan diriku untuk menamparmu balik, aku minta kau tetap duduk agar aku mudah menamparmu. Namun kau segera berdiri, dan menunjuk-nunjuk mukaku agar tidak usah mengatur dirimu. Terjadilah hal paling memalukan dalam hidupmu, mengelak tamparan yang telah kau beri izin aku daratkan pada pipimu. Aku pergi meninggalkanmu karna akupun sangat kecewa mengenal pria jantan yang sudah berani menampar diriku di MATA, tetapi menghindar saat ia memberiku izin untuk menampar balik dan berani mengeluarkan kalimat ”UDAH” saat sedikitpun tamparan tak kamu rasakan. Oh mungkin waria asli pun lebih jantan darimu. Saat kau mengejarku dan memintaku untuk menampar lagi, aku tau itu hanya untuk menutupi rasa malumu akan kalimat dan tindakan yang tanpa kau sadari kau tunjukkan. Aku pun menunjuk wajahmu, dan satu lagi kalimat hebat keluar dari mulut jantanmu ”GUE GASUKA DITUNJUK.” Ya Allah tak ingatkah kamu dengan perlakuanmu beberapa menit sebelumnya? Kau menunjuk mukaku sambil mengeluarkan kalimat ”GUE GASUKA LO ATUR!”
Ckckck.. mungkin kau tiba-tiba menderita short memory lost sehingga tak dapat mengingat sebelumnya pun kau melakukan itu padaku. Atau bisa saja kau terlalu waria untuk mengakui hal ini. Saran ketiga kali dariku untuk bercermin. Apakah kau butuh cermin yang lebih besar?

Ketika ayah bertanya, ”Pernahkah ayah menampar kamu?” apakah otakmu bekerja? Seharusnya otakmu bekerja dan berfikir betapa warianya tindakan jantanmu tadi.
Ketika ayah bertanya, ”Apa masalah sebenarnya?”
Pernyataanmu sungguh sangat mencerminkan dirumu yang tidak pernah berkaca diri.
Dapatkah kau lihat siapa yang tidak bisa mengontrol nada bicara?

Kita semua sama.
Bedanya aku tak pernah menuntut apa-apa darimu. Karna aku tahu aku pun begitu. Namun kau dengan segala gambaran kebijaksanaan yang ada di dirimu, menuntut banyak hal yang tanpa kau sadari kau sendiri pun seperti itu.

Seperti yang aku katakan sebelumnya kita berdua tidak akan pernah berbicara enak, terbukti bukan hari ini? Kau dengan mudahnya bermain fisik. Jadi seperti yang aku sebutkan sebelumnya kita lebih baik tidak mengenal satu sama lain daripada kita saling menyakiti. Omonganku menyakiti hatimu dan perlakuan kasarmu menyakiti tubuhku. Sekali lagi aku tidak akan pernah menganggapmu sebagai kakakku. Kakakku hanya kakak perempuanku. Oh Tuhan betapa menyedihkannya dirimu. Sudah kejantananmu diragukan, pengetahuanmu pun nihil adanya. Aku turut sedih dengan hidupmu, selain membuat hariku jadi hari paling momentum tapi kau juga membuat hariku paling lucu untuk menertawakan semua ketololanmu. Terima kasih Pejantan Waria paling Gagah, kusarankan untuk membeli cermin yang besar sebelum aku menjadi orang yang tertawa paling keras dengan semua dalih-dalih kejantananmu.

The meaning of Graduation

We're all dressing up in cap and gown,
some are ready to spread out their wings towards the future
to make contributions towards the world.

But for us this is not an end of our study
this is the very beginning of the real learning.

I am very grateful for all the support and love I've received from my parents over the past 4 meaningful years in my life. Finally I got my degree.. love you both!

Take a sample.

You can say, you have a beautiful face but what about your personality?
I know nothing, so I can't say a thing.
But if I take an example maybe If I'm a cup of ice cream I wanna be Golden Spoon.
What about you?
Did you love your country so much?
well, I think you did. :D

Because you are..

One third not half.

This part of my life is called "being selfish".
I'm asking him to think about every pain I felt that caused by him
and I told him that I will do the same thing in return, But I don't.

Why?
Because, when I'm mad I don't miss people
and if I stay mad, it's like I never knew them at all.

Selfish?
I just don't wanna miss him.
then what about my upcoming graduation?
Yeah, he's my sad part of my graduation story
when you wish on your very special day your family is complete, but it isn't.

Let us see is this thing getting better or getting worst, cause time will answer that.

randomy thoughts

in my head I was thinking
isn't that funny that u have a brain to think?
it is so funny how the brain is taking control of your emotion

Stalking is hurtful, then why you keep doing it?
funny rite?
hahaha..
I guess I'm going to be crazy.
Crazy like the rate of exchange between dollar and rupiah.

And suddenly I think, that she's sleeping like MJ
Looks very peaceful, but strange.
Strange to me, because in my belief we did not do anything like that
then I think how painful my heart to see that she'll burn.
tomorrow is gonna be her last day in full pieces,
even she looks pretty but our body is nothing without our soul.

If you read every words above and you ask me what's the point in this writing

my answer is "I got no idea."

I just felt nothing, brainless, but I wanted to type.
type type type
hey my finger is working, it's useful. :D

celebrating the life of Dr. Nugrohowati, drg, M.Kes

She's smart
She's struggling her study beyond her sickness
She's a helpful person
She's a great lecturer
She's a wonderful mother
She's humble
She's popular among others because of her kindness
and she's only human who can't live forever

Now she's gone,
She's gone before she seen me graduate
She's gone before she let me in to her department
but she's probably in peace right now

Goodbye our beloved friend, lecturer, and half mother
your love will remain forever in our heart. May she rest in peace..

. (period)

My crazy doctor once said, menstruation happen because of the ovum is get mad.
Why did ovum get mad? It is because they don't meet any sperm yet.
So they mad by letting their walls bleed, that's what people called period.

This is my first day of period in this month. It feels so uncomfortable. It's explain why I'd become so mellow lately. Damn hormone, every guy should feel this. It's so unfair that only woman who felt this.

My tummy is tense.
But thanks to my tummy-ache it makes my other pain feels numb.

Their call.

Have you ever get a hard time in your life then you found out that you are by yourself, and you can't find nobody but you? The one that come is not the one you wanted to share. Not because you don't want to tell him, it's just not the right one because the one you used to share with is refuse to listen to you. I felt that right now, it's an indescribable feeling and I guess it's my stupid random feelings that cause by my stupid thoughts. Besides I am accompanied by Oasis, it makes me more fantasizing unnecessary things.
One thing I mostly hate is denial. But hating it becomes 'love doing it' for me, I thought it's alright to do anything to make you feel alright, it's everyone's prerogative and last night I was hoping I could hear the little voice in my head and it end up with sniffing away my tears. It's true what Meredith says that denial isn't just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean!!




Life is changing everyday,
a new accomplishment is just a new beginning of its end. People filled their day with activities while waiting for their death time, my ex-brother says this. They learn, they graduate, they look for a job, they make a decision, they change their look, they make mistakes, they rebuild their life, just like they never satisfied. That's why the only thing in this world that always stays the same is change itself.

People makes call, the surgeon makes a death call, you make your call. I knew it before, I'm asking you to do it then why should I feel sad? Is it just a state of mind or I'm truly sad? You do nothing wrong, but I did nothing wrong too. The way you handle it all is fine then who's the one is not normal here? I know, it's me. Is it my call? Yes it is, time of death 11:08. Reincarnation begin.................................................................................... ta daaa..... new me.

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean I forget about the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. I am letting go doesn't mean I'm giving up, it means accepting. Accepting that some things were not meant to be, because every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around. Longing feelings sometimes beat me, but I'll try harder this time. Promise myself.

Wise man named Randi said,

Change are always there in our lives, the wise ones accept change, and live with it

Hakuna matata. :)