Small Guy with a Big Heart.

I never heard a person with such a gifted voice like that.
I never saw a genius person like him.
I never seen any spectacular show like he did.
and the most greatest thing is I never saw a person with a beautiful heart like him.

he said to her that this is her moment to shine and she should play her highest note

God Bless you MJ.

Love lives forever

speechless

Today, I went to MMC hospital to visit my close dean at campus. Rumor has it she's in coma, and thank God she's not!
She got Carsinoma Cell Squamose, a cancer word that contain "oma" means it's malignant.
Whether it's malignant or it is benign it still a scary word for me. The one that strike her is recurent cancer. After treatment it seems heal, but couple months later it goes striking again.

A year ago she did everything to help us doing our research. I remember every moment we've spent with her, sacrificing her pain to help us reach our goal which is Scientific Research Competition in Asia Pacific Dental Student Association Congress. She gave us idea about the research, help us getting a great lab in Puspiptek, accompany us to finish it all, and finally we get into that SRC, it's all because of her! A couple days before our departure to the competition the doctor diagnosed that she has a stage 4 cancer in her body. I know she's sad, but she never showed it to us. She continued to gave us spirit to fight without her, so we have a brave heart to compete.



The night before SRC we text her, and she replied with words of wisdom. Just like our own mother and she's asking about how we doing there, the cultural night, the people who's asking for her because she's famous in that congress. I wonder how proud she is, even though we didn't won the SRC, at least we are competed with others and do it our self without any companion from our university's dean. So independent! But we won the cultural night, the runner up, and I do remember she told us to ask to the committee about getting a certificate for it. She's pushing us to get it even the LOC didn't provide it, funny though.

Today, I saw her laying in bad, looks very weak, she barely can't move her own hands and open up her eyes. But, She can hear us talking and she'll shake her head to show us that she's listening. Too sad seeing a person who used to be strong even if they're sick, and now they can't do anything, any single thing on their own. How I miss seeing her well, not laying in bed like that. Because, She used to be very strong then if she's like that it means it hurt her so much. When suddenly she can open her eyes, it feels like a miracle happened. Seeing your eyes open up is like a blessing for us, it's like a hope even it's a small hope, it still called hope. The way she hold the Rosario is painful to see, cause her hands is swallow and bruised. Please take the pain off her body, oh my dear God.

I can't wait to hear your warm hello and your spirit booster everytime we meet.
I know you are strong enough to get through this, cause you used to.
Sending you my prayer my dear drg. Nugrohowati, Sp. KG

Removing, Replacing, Reminiscing.

Take lot of seconds for me to decide what is the right word to start this writing, and it ends with honesty words "I have no inspiration". All I do is flashing back and playing a black and white movie about me and you in my mind. Yes I am patheticly missing you, what a confession.

I don't know what is on your mind, for me all of it is totally bullshit. I don't want to get into a fight cause I'm living my life educatedly. I think this is not about educated or uneducated, it's all about tacky attitude. I don't think it's all necessary, Is she 8 or what? Can't help but feel sorry for her. Seriously, she's more pathetic than me. At least I still have my pride. I hope it was just a hormone taking control, but if it's not... oh, how poor you are.

But thankfully we still can have a nice conversation without even feel that something is changing. A good conversation is what everybody's needed. Well, I guess that's what I need. I found out something but I guess I'm ok with that. Even there was a lil' thunder in my heart when I know it, but I'm find if you ask me.

Dr Suess said

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Then I smiled. :)

The hatred you harbor.

"F*ck you, F*ck you very very much..
Coz we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew
so please don't stay in touch"

That song is stuck in my head, beside the nice rhythm, that song is the right song that can reflect my feelings lately (yes, I hate your whole crew FAGGOT!).

The most complicated thing is everyone's trying to makes us forgive each other, but they didn't do it to their own enemies. They do same thing I did which is hard to forgive and forgotten it. Funny to see how they gave me advices and then their mind is thinking.. "DAMN, am I talking to myself?" hahaha..
They say I can't be like this, he can't be like that, I can't stand this, he can't stands that.. But, I said.. I have my own way in forgiving and healing my heart. Not in a quick way, but surely in a slower way. The point is just let me do it on my way..

Seriously when I saw his face yesterday, I felt like I wanna puke! The sadness is fake, the needed-to-be-respect-face is disgusting! That time I know that I don't wanna do it in a short time. Give me a month or couples. I just can't accept the way he blame me. So still, I will do the silent fight so we both can think clearly. One thing for sure, I can't be like I used to be.

Sorry for making you disappointed mommy Andi, but I promise to be a better person as u asked me to. I love you and I never mean to said any cruel words like that, but I know its definitely cruel and sarcasticly torn everyone's heart.

On behalf of my arrogancy I am saying my sorry.

guess u don't even have a heart and a brain.

Pernahkah anda melakukan sesuatu untuk saudara kandung anda dihari ulang tahunnya?
menyisihkan uang jajan anda untuk membelikannya kado dan membuat kartu ucapan khusus untuknya?
menyanyikannya lagu ulangtahun dan menyalakan lilin untuk ia tiupkan?
membelikannya baju hangat setiap anda pergi ke sebuah toko, karna anda teringat akan dia?

Jika anda orang yang normal, dan diperlakukan seperti itu oleh adik anda masihkah anda berfikir jika orang yang melakukan hal itu hanya ingin mencari gara2 dengan anda seumur hidupnya?

Yang diinginkan olehku bukan lah balas jasa, aku hanya ingin dihargai dengan segala apa yang telah kulakukan. Bukan mau hitung2an, hanya saja dimana hati orang itu. Mungkin rusak karna racun alkohol atau mungkin oleh makhluk lain yang baru saja dikenalnya. Dan ia pun rela membuat otaknya berfikir seperti itu terhadap orang yang sedang berusaha berperan sebagai "peran" sebenarnya dalam hidupnya.

Aku tahu wanita itu pun sakit hati, tapi apakah pernah ia memikirkan sakit hatiku?
Semua perlakuan yang diterimanya hanyalah pelajaran yang ingin aku berikan, bahwa ia tidak bisa berbicara seenaknya padaku dan apa hasilnya? ia pun terdidik menjadi lebih menghargaiku, namun apa yang ada di otakmu?

Mungkin ini kesalahpahaman, namun terlalu rumit untuk diluruskan.
Karna aku yakin, aku tak akan bisa berbicara enak denganmu. Jika Tuhan memberikanku 3 permintaan, akan ku ubah jawabanku.. pertama aku tetap ingin hidup bahagia, yang kedua tetap raga yang sehat, dan yang terakhir aku tetap ingin kakak perempuanku. Aku tidak akan meminta Tuhan membukakan matamu dan menyuruhmu menggunakan otakmu, karna semua itu akan sia-sia. Karna diotakmu hanya satu, yaitu wanita itu. Kamu relakan semuanya demi itu.

Satu hal yang ingin kutanyakan, pernahkah kau membalas semua perlakuan baikku?
Walaupun hanya dengan menyanyikanku lagu ulang tahun, pernahkah kamu?
Sakit hatiku melihat perjuanganmu di hari ulangtahunnya, namun pada hari ulangtahunku apa yang kau lakukan?
Saya rasa yang saya berikan padamu sama seperti apa yang ia berikan padamu. Namun mengapa sikapmu terhadapnya berbeda dengan sikapmu padaku?
Tidak berfikir kah kamu bahwa itu sungguh mengiris hatiku dan mencekik tenggorokanku?

Hari ini adalah sakit hati kesekian kalinya yang dilakukan olehmu, aku pun tidak yakin dapat bersikap sama seperti dahulu. Namun mulai sekarang aku akan merelakan semua yang telah terjadi dan tidak akan berusaha memperbaikinya. Bukannya egois, namun disini aku lelah menjadi satu2nya orang yang berfikir menggunakan otak, dan aku pun mendoakanmu agar bahagia dengan wanita itu, dan semoga nantinya tidak akan ada penyesalan dengannya, denganku, dan yang paling penting dengan hidupmu.

Aku takkan mendoakanmu agar menggunakan otak dan hatimu, biarkan saja otak dan hatimu seperti ini. Ini lebih baik bagiku. Selamat tinggal orang yang memiliki peran dalam hidupku, salam kenal orang asing depan kamarku.

I guess this is the last rude thing I do for you, cause you won't even hear, read, or feel anything from me. Not anymore. Cause I do convince that we are so much better like this than we hurt each other.

hard to arrange a single sentence

So many words in my head that I'd like to share.. but I can even arrange it into sentences.. Whether it is too rude or it just too hard, reluctant to spill it out.. cause there's too many thoughts, I'll type it later.. One word which can describe it is HATRED period

I want her not you. Switch please..

Wanna know what is on my mind now?
I want my brother's dead, and my deadly sister become alive.
Yes, it's another fight with him.

Our relationship is far from simple, it is too complex.
If this is a chemistry chain, it's element not a single compound.

I want a real brother, not you.
and yes I'll hurt you with everything I said and done by now.
Cause you did that too.

One thing I wanna tell you, USE YOUR FUCKIN' BRAIN TO THINK!

continue-ing my struggle-lation

I read my cousin's blog, then one of his thought is related to one of my thought right now. When I read this part, I am convince with my choice before...

KOSONG
apa itu kosong?

perasaan yang tidak menggambarkan apa-apa?

pernahkah kita pikir, kita selalu ada di satu sisi dalam hidup ini,

kalo ga baik ya buruk
kalo ga hitam ya putih

mau ga mau kita harus milih kan?

jatuh sakit dan sedih hanya lembaran masa lalu kan?

saat ini adalah kenyataan yang harus dihadapi dengan perjuangan...

dan kita selalu punya harapan dalam hidup...

itu yang membuat kita masih hidup sebagai manusia sampai saat ini.....

Then my choice is..... standing on the ground with my own feet, I can do it on my own, I'm not asking for anyone's help because this is my Declaration of Independency.

*thanks to rebeleon for such an inspiring writing.

daddy's lil girl thought, wish, and feedback.

I saw my dad sleeping in the couch while he's watching TV, then my mind is flashing back about couple weeks ago when me and my auntie's family were going to visit our family graveyard.
After that quick visit we're having lunch at my aunt's favorite restaurant, I forgot the name but it was a restaurant who serve soto padang with secret recipe.
My aunt bring her housemaid and we sit on the same table without even feel uncomfortable or anything bad, we felt that we're equal.
They eat what we eat, they drink what we drink, we're equal.
Then suddenly a family which I saw them coming with a luxurious car, no wonder they're Chinese. They sit in a table not far from our table, and then I saw a guy who look a like with my father came into the restaurant and then the guy from that Chinese family came into him and tell him to sit on another table. That time I know that the guy is their driver.
The way the Chinese family treat their "maid" is very different with my family.
He sits alone in the corner of the restaurant, all by himself, and the Chinese family already order the meal he had to eat and the drink he had to drink. Aww it kinda sad seeing it, cause they'd order hot tea for the driver. What if it wasn't a drink he wants to drink?
My auntie's housemaid is free to choose her own drink, how come their driver can't?
His faces look alike my Ayah, that is what make my sad even worst!
It was Sunday, a family day, he should gather with his own family and not sitting alone in the corner while his Bos is having a quality time with their family.
Damn Chinese family, you don't even have a heart. At least let him sit in the same table as you do, so even he can't gather with his family, he still can feel the warm of being with someone's family.
That moment I have, make me promise to myself that I won't let my father feel the way that driver feel.
I'll make every traditional cookies he likes,
I'll call him everyday just to ask how was his day and what would he likes to eat at that time. Which traditional cookies he long to feel in his tongue. Which places he wants to go lately, so I can accompany him to that place. Take him to his favorite store, accompany him to his colleague's children wedding, dropping him to his College reunion,
anything dad. I'll do anything.

declaration of my independency

Knowing the truth about someone that been your biggest obsession-enthusiasm-creature in this whole world sometimes feels good and sometimes feels regretful because it was far from your expectation. This time I feel very regret knowing it all, regretting every stalking things I did. :(
I feel miserable and the stupid thing I did is watching romantic comedy movie all by myself, called (500) days of summer. I feel like it was me in it, both of the character. When I was with him I was her, When I was with my biggest obsession I was him. The movie really distracted me from the thought of missing my obsession for about an hour or so. The saddest thing is, I miss Thogar. He used to be a good listener, but now he seems doesn't care anymore. There's no chance to be like we used to, How I miss the chitchat.
Totally lonely and got no one to talk to, I decided to feel this lonely sad feeling and enjoying every second of it. Cause in life you can't feel up all the time, there's a time that you're gonna feel that you're in the lowest level in your life. I just trying to set my mind that I can passed it all by myself, no need to call someone to cry or share anything. Cause feeling this sad thing is truly a beautiful pain. Just hold on and convince myself like I'm holding on a big stick, cause sad doesn't always mean bad and I know that this too shall passed. Cause the guy in that movie, let go the girl name summer who had moving on first by married with a guy and then with all his sincerity he meets his autumn. :)
Now
Let me wait for my autumn to come, cause summer doesn't always fun and autumn doesn't always mean we lose the fun from summer. My heart is full of sincerity, and all I've wanted to say is "I'm happy for you boy"

watch your word

Today, she's like an evil.. she said something that really stabbing my heart.
She always did that and as a friend, good friend of her, I should accept her the way she is.
YES, she is a straight-to-the-point kind of person, but I think maybe she has to learn the softer way to say something bad.
Maybe she thinks I'm fine with the news she's trying to tell me (straightly), but heyyy sometimes people don't look as strong as they seem.
Don't u know that, girl with a plain heart?
The bad thing is, I am kind of person that will calculate every mean word you've said before and think about it over and over again til' sometimes I can't stop my brain even my eyes is close and trying to have some sleep. Then what would happen? My eyelid's goes up again! How mean your word is girl.